Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Fool Proof Guide to Grabbing (Chalewote 2016 Blueprint)

Guest Blogger: OOMF

You went to the ChaleWote 2015 street art festival alone and you returned home solo ? Don’t worry, we have a foolproof guide to help you find your life partner in Jamestown next year. The Chalewote street art festival undoubtedly has risen to become Ghana’s biggest street fiesta. We are still wondering why Oko hasn’t blown the whistle for it to become the city’s annual festival. Imagine how much this economically sick country could benefit from the tourism potential. Well, obviously the bearded Mayor is not an official whose thinking we can understand in less than a decade. The Chale wote street art festival is a different paradigm though, we have gone through 5 years of data, pictures, videos, trends, statistics and scripts, and we have analyzed same to come up with this scientific guide.
Come alone, if you wanna leave as a couple.
Chaley, forget those who don’t know Jamestown and want you to show them so they wanna go with you. It is a faux pas if you wanna grab. NEVER go with a girl. If you have to….then go with two. With this arrangement, no one will mistake her for your girlfriend and this will keep your ‘I wanna grab my crush at Chale wote’ dream alive. The unwritten rule is, if a guy and gal are on the ussher fort street on Chale wote day, they are an item. Simple. There will be no opportunity for you to explain yourself to anyone, because nobody  will ask, they will just assume. AVOID it. Go alone, or go with more than one lady, and play the ‘friend zoned’ boy game. Play it well, else go back home, you ain't grabbing

Wondering what to wear?
First of all just google ‘Chale wote’, this should give you tonnes of images on what others wore to previous Chale wote events. It is no rocket science. It is an art festival, so express yourself. No matter what you do, do NOT show up tacked in with shoes. You will become a twitter meme, and nobody would want you for a boyfriend or girlfriend. You are better off going naked than showing up in Jamestown with your office wear or your Sunday church service attire. Keep it simple, you can never go wrong with jeans – jeans shorts, jeans trousers, tattered, dirty……nobody cares. The dirtier the better, this is all art remember?

Go with an umbrella. Just do it!
We know how awkward it is to be with an umbrella at a street art festival. But trust us, the gains are much much more heavier than the losses with this strategy. A few paddies will laugh at you and perhaps you will lose your guy-guy title, yes we know, a guy with an umbrella at such a parade isn’t the sexiest scene on such a day. However, we do realize that, considering the month Chale wote is organized in (July/Aug), there is a 55% chance it will rain. And if that doesn’t happen, worry not, the sun will be so hot you will still need it at some point. In fact, during 3 of the 5 past chale wotes, there have been some drizzling or heavy showers at some point. This is likely going to happen again next year. When the rain starts, everyone will be looking for cover - canopies, sheds,  sheets, waakye leaves, handkerchiefs etc. This is when your umbrella investment will yield measurable results. Pull it out of its cover and target your crush. Trust us, this will be your fastest working juju. She will run towards you for cover. Be strategic about it though, don’t bring it out until you are close enough to her to realize you are the only smart guy in the bunch. If you unveil your umbrella too soon, your net might catch the wrong fish….and you might not be able to say no. If you bring it out too late, she might have already found cover by then. Be strategic, watch the clouds every now and then, and keep a respectable distance. Don’t be too aggressive, respect yourself!

Go with trotro, but keep enough money for cab on your return
If you have your own car, this post is obviously not for you. If you have worked hard to buy your own car, then you can obviously grab your own crush, close the browser and invest your time into something else.. This post is for those who need help. You are on a tight budget, we know, in fact, we all are. The economy is hard, but man has to make an impression. We got your back. It is okay to go to Chale wote with trotro. Trust us, nobody really cares what vehicle you came in. Keep the ‘laborrow’ favours your friend owes you for another day, don’t go for his car. In fact you will realize there isn’t much parking space on the day, and getting out once you have had fun becomes a puzzle if you are driving your own car. Jamestown is known for blocking roads without notice, and they do that all the time, don’t fall in that trap. Your return journey is important though, if you were lucky, and your crush liked you too, you may wanna go home in a cab, or take her somewhere nice to Osu, or wherever. At this point, trotro might not cut it. Come on!  Show her you are a simple guy, but let her know you can make things happen too.

By all means do check out the lighthouse
The lighthouse is the cheapest way to see all of Accra from that height. The other options are the Villagio’s $100,000 penthouse or an Emirates flight on a sunny day. For a small fee of Ghs 5, you get to go on an adventure you won’t forget. If you are targeting someone you wanna convert into your bebe, convince her to go with her. First of all, it will take her breath away. Literally it will. And she will remember you were the one who made that happen. If the lighthouse doesn’t scare her, then you should be afraid. Very afraid. It could be that she might have been to higher heights…….the World Trade Center maybe? You may wanna consider plan B if this is the case.
Secondly, from our research, more than 70% of the ladies who tried the lighthouse held the hands of the soul closest to them. They don’t really care who it is, it could be another lady, a guy, or the guide. Place yourself well well. After the first curve on the stairs, she would want a hand to hold unto, be ready! Don’t leave her hands because she will have no intentions of leaving yours. And when you get on top of the lighthouse, show her Accra, with a guy-guy attitude. She will be impressed, especially if she had never been up that high.

Image via @AeroShutter

Learn some Ga, it will come in handy
Ga is not so difficult to learn apparently. Most of the kantamanto stall owners speak fluent Ga but are either Kwahus or Ashantis, and they’ve been in the city for just a few months. If you want to make a good impression at Chale wote, learn a few words in advance. ‘Kpa’ is stop! ‘Kw3’ means Hey! These two should be a good start. Once you have gotten yourself hooked unto the lady you’d wanna convert, she will need some protection. See, take if from us, ladies love a guy who knows the street lingua. Chale wote is not just for adults like you, it is also a period for all the Jamestown kids to throw themselves unto the streets. The Chale wote crew does a good job at keeping them away, but abi you know….a Ga kid is a Ga kid, they cannot be chained. When the kids harass or keep on tailing you, throw in Kw3! This should keep them away. Not because it is a complete sentence, but because it tells them you are one of them…….they will let you go so you can complete you mission. Or carry on from wherever you left off.

Hungry? Avoid the pito joint
The pito joint is super tempting tent. If you need some dutch courage to boost your morale, don’t drink more than one calabash of the liquor. Avoid it repeat doses. First you might end up spending all your taxi fare on it and secondly it might foil your grabbing chances. Pito has a way of leaving its signature on your breath…just get one calabash and brush it with a hacks toffee. Leave the rest to those who have already grabbed, or those who wanna bury their Mahama induced misery. If you want more to drink find the fresh fruit stands, grab yourself a cup. Most of these sellers run promos, look out for the ones shouting in the middle of the Mantse Agbona park, you are sure to get a good affordable drink. Some also offer discounts, yet they wait till the customer asks, so never forget to ask the most important question whenever you buy at Chale Wote – “No discount anaa”???

True colors? Double check
Chale wote is a mine-field for art. Some of the art don’t look like art at a first glance, you may have to turn your head at 180 degrees to see the hidden meaning. Others have no meaning at all, and that is their art. But the art is not restricted to the objects alone. The attendees add lots of flavor to the art. On the day, you might struggle a bit to identify certain people since they wouldn’t be in their everyday clothes. So when you see a nice lady you like, get closer……much much closer. Does she still sparkle? If she does, well then she has passed the first test. Take her though two more tests. Get her to wash her face with water…..if the make-up washes off, then she is not the one you want to be with. Trust us, anyone who uses cheap ways to deceive you isn’t worth dying for. However if the make-up still sticks, then she would have passed the second test. It means her make-up isn’t cheap, but she could still not be as sparking beneath.Use the 3rd test to check how she looks beneath………..…Hm! There is no 3rd test. Take a leap of faith, your worst would be a dadabee girl who knows it is wiser to spend on genuine make-up. Her gamble paid off……you are the victim! Live with it.

Natural Hair? Don’t mistake her for a Feminist
Gone are the days when natural hair was the best way to identify a feminist. With the plunging economy, many other ladies are kicking their hairdressers off their monthly budgets. It is much easier now, because now it is seen as a cool thang. Nobody knows the main reason is to save them some extra cash. They say convenience is their reason….. yooo, we hear.

But hey, perhaps you don’t wanna spend the rest of your life with a lady who swears it is not her duty to carry foetus for 9 months once you get married, and because of that you have made it a point to avoid feminists? Don’t make the common mistake of assuming the natural haired ladies at Chale wote are all feminist. Actually our data shows  a majority of them are not. So how do you identify those who are? Well first a true feminist is likely to show up with another true feminist. So if you see two or more natural hair ladies admiring art with big English, that is not your corner. Go somewhere else where you can find peace. If that is a hard litmus test for you to implement, try this one. Ask them what they think about a Female Ghanaian President. If their answer is “well it depends on who it is”, chances are she is not a true feminist. If however her first paragraph has the words ‘misogyny’ ‘patriarchy’ or ‘male privilege’, my brother, FLEE! Flee without thinking about where you are headed.

Enjoy your Chale Wote Street art Festival . If you have unique grabbing stories you wanna share with us, let us know in the comments else tell us what you think about what our years of data reveals.

by One of My Twitter Followers